2005-09-02T00:15:00.000-07:00

09.01.05
(written 09.02.05--3:15 a.m.)

found out today
that another poet is not happy with me
putting posts on their blog
and leaving other's nasty comments about me online
and tonight i sent dozens of emails back and forth with a mutual friend
but it won't be alleviated untl there's a conversation
which i don't see coming any time soon
i'm gonna make me some diet decaffeinated nestea iced tea before i go to bed
it's what i can count on.

09.02.05
(written 09.04.05--2:03 a.m.)

(sing)

right before i left
to train home to my folks
my boss came over to my desk
leaned his hands on the wall

"as of now we're going to
cut yr hours down"
i knew it was coming
but didn't know when

so this coming week
they're cut a lot
but he wanted it
to be more

and he said then
we'll discuss it
my guess is
it'll be more

so now i must
go and get
an interview
outfit

take a shave
get a haircut
and go and
get goin'

09.03.05
(written 09.04.05--2:08 a.m.)

i could've gone to my brother's today
sleepless head makes me feel a bit manic
and when i heard my folks were sleeping over
one minute before we drove there
add in the pets i'm allergic, too,
and i didn't go.

and i could've gone and it would've been passable,
but instead i now have the paper at the almost done stage i needed it to be
and i had an hour-plus talk with my friend alan

09.04.05
(written 09.05.05--2:14 a.m.)

my cellphone rang
for one of the few times today
didn't understand what they were saying
through the din of the t.v.

but then i heard "it's ela from chicago"
and that was all i needed to hear

09.05.05
(written 09.06.05--1:09 a.m.)

(sing)

an argument with my mom
about what it was so insignificant
but it became heated and it got real loud
until our silence and my apology

later once she went to bed
and i was the only one awake in their house
i thought of what happened and where it went
and couldn't believe it myself

though it's over now
i know it will begin again
i hope this time it will be a little less
but i am not sure, well, i doubt it

09.06.05
(written 09.14.05--11:46 p.m.)

no more job
time to find another
it's better this way
better today
i swear
(really)

09.07.05
(written 09.14.05--11:48 p.m.)

(sing)

i can work on the paper
i can try
i can work on the paper
until i die

it's what i do
it's who i am
i like popeye
and karen finley yams

09.08.05
(written 09.14.05--11:52 p.m.)

what to tell you about the gallery tonight
got there early as i always do
none of the art was up
that was ok

visiting press from phillie
swell, too

one of the readers
had played drums in the lemonheads
wanted to tell him
how much i loved the band

but it's weird
you never know people's reactions
so at the break i whispered
"i hope it's ok to tell you,
i love the lemonheads."

and it was awesome,
or should i say he was,
we talked about the lemonheads
for a few minutes
it was a fun time,
i love the lemonheads
it was a fun time,
i love the lemonheads

09.09.05
(written 09.10.05--1:18 a.m.)

(sing)

jim calhoun,
i want to be your speech
at your hall of fame
induction ceremony,
you are not as professional a speaker
you're reading it off of your printout
unlike some of your off-the-cuff peers tonight
who seem to be repeating anecdotes
that they've said
that they've said
before

but what you say is real
(i know that's trite)
you tell us just what you feel
(that's trite, too)

it was a list poem
if i ever heard one,

thank you jim calhoun.

09.10.05
(written 09.15.05--12:02 a.m.)

(sing)

for nathaniel

walk with me
i need some air
it's getting stuffy
in here

take my hand
i feel better now
take my hand
take my hand

09.11.05
(written 09.15.05--12:05 a.m.)

(sing to a west side story song)

it's gonna be nan's birthday party today
i'm gonna hear a bunch of bands today
and when they start to play
oh yeah
i will not walk away
go there.

•

(sing to that green day song everybody's singing)

i walk these lonely streets
as my cell phone's stuck to my head
i talk to my sister
fear a brain tumor, fear i'm dead

09.12.05
(written 09.15.05--12:17 a.m.)

(sing)

dinner with my folks
it's chinese food in queens
it's what i do
when my dollar's lean

but really
they're my folks and i love them
with no food or no drink
amen.

09.13.05
(written 09.15.05--12:19 a.m.)

"for the first time i feel wicked"

when u wait stage door at a play
(or a musical)
my sister
with me

but really it's for her daughter
my youngest niece
she's a theater kid
she's real neat

dennis the lighting guy
took to her
brought out a bench
so she could do her homework on

09.14.05
(written 09.15.05--12:22 a.m.)

i'm walking through chelsea
stretching my legs
getting some air
i got an apple
(granny smith)
my meds in my pocket
and i don't care.

09.15.05
(written 09.16.05--1:40 a.m.)

fill yr scrips
it's what you have to do
rub yr feet
rub yr feet
rub yr feet

the walk
it was a tiring one
weaving at the end
could it have been the sun

the waitress
at the mexican restaurant
flaunted her cleavage
her tips must have big

09.16.05
(written 09.17.05--4:40 a.m.)

rub my belly
make me smile
rub my belly
and i'll feel good for a while

notre dame football i'll watch today
ands i'll apply for jobs too too

drinkin' some iced tea
mmmmm

09.17.05
(written 09.19.05--12:23 a.m.)

the walk i need
to begin my day
now that i am unemployed
did not begin until 715
p.m.
and then i took my walk
all around my neighborhood
until i ended up at the gristede's supermarket
spending just under $25
before walking home
and putting my corn and bean salsa
and 1.5 liter bottle of fresca
inside my freezer
for 28 minutes
to be joined by a bag of tortilla chips.
it's the first extravagance
that i've had
and i really do enjoy that salsa and those chips.
i do.

09.18.05
(written 09.19.05--12:23 a.m.)

it's more trouble with my printer
we don't speak the same language
and the paper will be ready
and then they say the paper won't be ready

and they say talk to bill
but bill won't be in until tomorrow
and by then they say talk to robert
who i know can do my job right.

so i ready for nighttime
ant not because it is right time
but because i need a solid eight
or my day it won't me so good.

09.19.05
(written 09.20.05--3:13 a.m.)

i'm doing light shoppings
after heavy walkings
spending a little for some essentials
but before i bought my milk
i decided to buy some chips and salsa
and some apple juice too
because even though i'm broke
and unemployed
i need to treat myself
just filling smaller shelves
and i have apple juice left
so no blood-sugar heft,
it's going ok
picked out cardboard today
for the gift writing project that's due
by month's end.

09.20.05
(written 09.21.05--4:18 a.m.)

it's going to be another night with too little sleep
inxs has picked a new singer i will keep
i have a doc to see in the a.m.
but the computer man is coming then
took a walk earlier today
cleared my head a bit that i can say
i'm gonna go and grab some bread
a light snack
serious as a heart attack.

09.21.05
(written 09.22.05--2:12 a.m.)

did some job search stuff
went to the shambhala center
to learn how to meditate again
met risa for dinner
'ate chips and salsa and
dranks fresca
before trying her
busy
before trying her
busy
and then passing out
and waking up at two a.m.
and trying her
and she doesn't answer
and i make some more
caffeine free, diet iced tea

09.22.05
(written 09.23.05--12:27 a.m.)

i've been eating the tunafish i made the other day
four cans at once
for multiple meals
going to the tupperware
toasting some whole wheat bread
putting some red onion and tomato upon it openface style
and each time saving the money i'd normally spend to order food in,
tonight a savings of at least $10
for the baked ziti, garlic bread, garlic knots, and cherry italian ices i was craving.
i'm permitting myself to get food delived in once a week
switching from the regular to the treat.
tomorrow i hope to wash some of my long unwashed pots
so i can make some pasta.

09.23.05
(written 09.25.05--3:18 a.m.)

not enough sleep
from up late tv
(and me)
but early morning pee
i'm up at seven
i look on my left palm
in blue ink it says i have an appointment
with my psychopharmacologist
15 minutes to ready
15 minutes to walk
and i get there on time
and then we talk
this week has been better
for unemployed me
my meds they are steady
as i happen to be
(sort of)

09.24.05
(written 09.25.05--3:23 a.m.)

a call in the morning
my sister is coming
to see fiddler on the roof
with my youngest niece
again not enough sleep
again blaming it on tv
again i get ready
but with a little more time

we wait by the stage door
as that what my niece does now
and once they see rosie o'donnell
we get to leave.

an hour ’til showtime
and first we look at a table
showing reproductions of playbill covers.

then sis frees her bladder
which she'd put off all morning,
and we go get pizza
and they cut mine in half
(accidentally)

a goodbye at the theater
and i walk home quickly
grabbing my exercise
where i can.

09.25.05
(written 09.26.05--12:34 a.m.)

afraid to spend
any money i have
until the first
unemployment checks come in
so whatever's in my house i'm making
four cans of starkist tuna to have for awhile
i eat it on matzoh
months after passover
and i make two packages
of light strawberry jell-o
it took four hours to congeal
and i just finished a bowl's worth.
i wanted to order mexican food tonight,
and it's $10.96 with tip as i get the same things—
guacamole nachos without the jalapeños,
bean and cheese quesadilla,
and an order of rice and beans,
with a free can of soda
(diet sprite for me)
and extra salsa.
but last night i ordered from ray's pizza
a tray of eggplant parmigiana
with ziti and marinara sauce on the side,
an order of garlic bread
(light on the garlic and the oil),
and a large cherry italian ices,
like $16 including tip.
i was jonesing it,
because i always order from them,
and i hadn't for weeks,
i hadn't for weeks,
and i had some leftover for lunch today.

09.26.05
(written 09.27.05--1:37 a.m.)

i still can't pee for the urinalysis
even after drinking my 1.5-liter water bottle empty
this is the second visit in-a-row when i failed
when i go to the clinic on thursday i'll try again,
trying my best to not let go of first morning pee
until i arrive there.

09.27.05
(written 09.28.05--2:26 a.m.)

after a night of not sleeping enough
of sleeping sporadically
i wake up just before noon
i watch some tv
and after a few days of slacking
i apply for a copy editing job
then i watched the afternoon gilmore girls rerun
took an hour's nap
and headed off to alan's cd release party
--i wanted to stay in,
but it was a few blocks away
and alan's played some of my shows--
it was 12 bucks, and i couldn't afford it,
so i called mentioned boog city and got put on the list,
it was a fun show,
packed with alan's friends,
i chatted before it with matt iselin,
who played piano
and has performed at a few boog shows,
and then on the way home,
i bought some junk food,
including sour cream to make some onion dip
i hadn't bought sour cream in a long time,
that or hawaiian punch,
and so i bought them both,
and made some dip
to go with the chips and pretzels
and i rewound my videotape
and leaned back on my bed,
against the pillows against the wall,
and played that night's new gilmore girls.

09.28.05
(written 09.29.05--1:29 a.m.)

it's strange to say
that you're 40 now
my first poet crush
from when we were younger
then
i don't think of you
all the time
but when i do
it makes me many sorts of happy
and the other day
knowing this day was coming up
i googled you
and this time your email there
and the next morning
there in my email box
a note from you
and i was much younger then
a steady chill.

09.29.05
(written 10.01.05--5:12 a.m.)

i explained to the nutritionist
that before the meds when i got depressed
that i'd eat without any thought
as nonstop as i could get.
so she told me how when people are depressed
that they may overeat like i did
or they could starve their depression instead,
but that she learned that my overeating during my depression
meant that my depression wasn't that bad.
so i stopped for a few seconds
watching the silence,
then said
"so i guess that when i didn't leave my apartment
or answer the phone
didn't communicate with anyone
didn't shower much at all
when i at everything in sight
for 10 months straight
that that wasn't so bad."
and the funny thing
was that she didn't grasp that her nex move
was to offer a half-hearte apology
and move quickly along,
but instead she tried to continue to prove what she said,
which for all i know was right,
but from a dime-store psychologist
should probably just not be said.
and as she continued
further and further
i said once,
"i think you should stop talking now,"
and i guess she thought i was kidding,
so she continued
further and further
still,
until i spoke slowly into her eyes
"i really think you should stop talking now,
really."

09.30.05
(written 10.01.05--5:35 a.m.)

i stopped at my korean grocery
where the beautiful owner hasn't been
bought three lemons for a dollar
a bag of pretzels for a ninety-nine cents more
i wanted to buy some italian food
but i don't really have the money anymore
to do so more than once a week
that's six less than before
a hardcore lifestyle shift
but i'm not a stupid boy
so after trying to convince myself all night
not to spend money to order in dinner
i looked in the fridge again
bored at my few options
toast with either four-percent cottage cheese or natural salt-free peanut butter,
a peanut butter and strawberry all-fruit jelly sandwich,
corn or wheat puffs with raisins in skim milk,
or nonfat plain yogurt with grape nuts and raisins.
i wasn't gonna cook pasta and sauce at this late hour
in part because the right pots weren't clean
in part because of the hour.
so i decided to make some tuna
cut a tomato and put it on matzoh
made 64 ounces of sugar free decaffeinated iced tea
and there was my dinner.
and so a dollar ninety-nine cents was all i spent today,
in part because i'll see sean tomorrow
and probably eat lunch out,
and though he may be like many other friends now
in my unemployed life
who'll stop me as i offer to pay
or ask me to proffer a tip,
and i'll make sure to order something cheap
and no beverage as i've done almost since birth
i'll be sure to have the money to cover me.

The September Project 2005